Iba Tetsuzaemon's New Year Resolutions
by crazyarsonist
Summary: Iba's already made his resolutions. Have you?


**Useless Notes:** Iba's New Year resolutions, yo. Have fun reading.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach, but that doesn't mean I haven't wished otherwise.

_**xxxxxxxxxx**_

**Tetsuzaemon Iba's New Year Resolutions**

_**1. Buy a new pair of shades.**_

Iba strolled into the Eleventh Division, a mile-wide grin on his face and his brand new shades glimmering in the afternoon sunlight. After months of saving bits of his salaries, he finally bought the shades he always wanted. And he decided it was high time his other friends shared his happiness.

He waved at a few shinigami who still recognized him since he moved out and started working as Seventh Division's vice-captain. A few minutes later, his grin got even wider (if that was even possible) as he found the people he was looking for. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Ikkaku and Yumichika taking a break and sharing a drink on the Eleventh's practice field.

"Yo!" he greeted cheerfully as he made his way towards them, sitting himself across Ikkaku.

"Iba-san," Yumichika greeted.

Ikkaku looked up from his drink and nodded. "'Sup."

"Bright sun-shiny afternoon we're havin' eh?"

"Why Iba-san," Yumichika observed. "You're awfully bright and cheery today, aren't you?"

Iba nodded and grinned a knowing grin. "Oh you bet I am, Ayasegawa!"

"Whasamatter Iba-san," Ikkaku muttered from his glass. "Some skirt finally agreed to be your girlfriend today or what?"

"Or what!" Iba answered proudly, ignoring the insult. "Don't you boys notice something… _different_ about me today?"

The two looked up at their former squad mate and observed him intensely, their eyes running all over him. Iba puffed his chest arrogantly, obviously enjoying all the attention.

"Did you get a haircut?" Yumichika commented, pointing to his hair. "Your hair does seem shorter now…"

"The hell can you figure that out?!" Ikkaku's voice came up beside Yumichika.

Iba's face fell. "It ain't that! Lower, fellas, _lower_."

Ikkaku pressed his face closer. "I dunno, Iba-san…" he raised an eyebrow. "Your breath still stinks."

Yumichika sighed and shook his head. "Such an unbeautiful observation, Ikkaku. How could you possibly-"

"Aw to hell with the both of ya!" Iba exploded. "I get a raise in my salary today, buy myself the pair of shades I've been savin' up for months and my buddies don't even notice!"

Silence descended upon the trio as Ikkaku and Yumichika exchanged looks. Iba sat, still fuming, his arms across his chest.

"Oh." Ikkaku said, breaking the silence. "Is that what it was?"

Iba opened his mouth to answer, but then another voice was heard.

"Yo, guys!" And Iba couldn't help but brighten up instantly at that voice.

"Here comes Abarai now!" he said excitedly to the pair. "He's a shades-lovin' man too… He'll notice the difference!"

Yumichika shrugged. "Somehow, I don't really think that'll-"

"Heya guys!" Renji waved and sat down beside Ikkaku. "What's up? Taichou finally let me go on my break and-"

"Oi Abarai," Iba called and pointed to his face. "Notice anything different about me today?"

Renji paused for a moment. "Uh… Iba-san?"

"Just do it." Ikkaku shrugged, taking another sip from his glass. "He's tryin' to prove a point."

"What point?"

"Just check me out, will ya?" Iba roared, shocking the living daylights out of Renji.

"Geez, scaring the crap outta me for this…" Renji grumbled, leaning closer, staring closely at Iba. Iba raised his eyebrows, making sure his shades stood out.

"Wow, something _is_ different about you today, Iba-san…"

Iba grinned.

"You sure weren't kidding, weren't you?" Renji looked up at the older man, sharing the same knowing grin. "You trimmed your moustache, didn't you?"

Iba laughed. "Why yes, I did, thank you for noticing- NANI?!"

Renji chuckled loudly, so proud of himself. "Thought I wouldn't notice, huh, Iba-san? Well lucky for you, I'm a pretty damn perceptive guy and I notice every- uh… Iba-san?"

Iba gritted his teeth and Renji swore he saw flames rising from behind his angry friend. The Seventh Division Vice-Captain roared out angrily, mightily and royally pissed, while a confused Renji could only look up at him in fright.

"Run." Yumichika suggested helpfully.

Renji's scream was heard loud and clear and the roar that came from Iba's mouth was just as loud and clear as Renji's.

"Perceptive my ass… Percept this!"

"Get a hold of yourself, Iba-san! The hell did I do this time?!"

"Once I get my hands on you Abarai, you're dead! Ya hear me? DEAD!"

"Iba-san, stop! Are you crazy?!"

As Iba ran after his former subordinate in the garden, Ikkaku muttered lazily into his drink. "That man seriously needs a woman. Y'know, someone to talk to and someone who'd put up wi' him."

Yumichika nodded silently, contenting himself by watching the two run around in the garden.

_**2. Get the courage to finally confess to Rangiku-chan.**_

"_This is it, my man, your time to shine! Just tell her how you feel and you'll be all right!" _ Iba thought to himself happily, almost skipping on his way to the Tenth Division.

No one could blame him for being this happy, for today was the day he, Iba Tetsuzaemon would finally confess his real feelings to Matsumoto Rangiku, the only girl he swore he fell in love with.

"_Manoman, if this works out, I'd love to see the look on Hisagi's face once he finds out…"_

His thoughts ran to a full stop as he stood just outside the Tenth Division's gate. This was it. His moment was coming any minute now. He hoped he wouldn't screw this one up.

His lines were well-practiced and he knew exactly what he wanted to say. Now, all Iba had to do was step through that gate and tell Matsumoto how he really felt. Now was the time to be a man and fess up. Now was the time to finally capture her heart.

Iba took in a deep breath and boldly set foot into the Tenth Division.

"Yo, Matsumoto!" he called out and waved. "Guess what I'm gonna-"

Iba stopped dead in his tracks, his breath painfully lodging in his throat and his raised hand still up in the air. For a minute, the world became oh-so-quiet and Iba thought he heard his heart break into a million, tiny little pieces.

And who could blame him?

For there in front, there was Matsumoto Rangiku, girl of his dreams, talking and laughing with his good friend from the Ninth, Hisagi Shuuhei. The moment he saw the two together so lax and carefree like that, Iba knew he had lost his chance.

Hisagi handed over papers to Matsumoto, while she smiled and nodded, apparently thanking him for them. _"Must be love letters or something,"_ Iba thought gloomily. _"Why did I even think things would work out between her an' me?"_

But even during a tragedy such as this, Iba knew he still had to be a man. So, he did the manly thing, turned on his heel and walked out the gate. He could feel the tears prickling behind his shades, but he dared not let them fall. Instead, he would go to the bar and drink to his heart's content. If he was lucky, he wouldn't meet anyone, preferring to drown his sorrows in alcohol alone.

_xxxxxxxxxx_

"So, uh…" Hisagi said, handing over some papers. "These are the things your captain wanted from mine. I could have sent someone over, but I thought of delivering the message myself. Hope it's not too much trouble."

Matsumoto reached out and took the reports. "Oh I'm sure you didn't have to, Hisagi. But thanks anyway. I'm sure Taichou'd say the same thing too."

"Oh. Uh… Well, it was nothing at all, y'know." Hisagi grinned. "Just doing my job, that's all."

She giggled and was about to say something, but… "Is that Iba?"

Hisagi looked over at the gate and broke into a wide smile. "Hey, it really is him! Oi, Iba!"

But soon, they were waving at empty air. Iba had already exited the Tenth Division.

"Man, what's eating him?" Hisagi wondered aloud. "He's not usually like this…"

"Beats me," Matsumoto shrugged. "But say, how about we grab ourselves a drink? I'm on my break right now and I'm feeling really bored. What do you say, Hisagi? We can even drag the others too, if you like."

Hisagi grinned. "Cool."

_**3. Beat Ikkaku in a drinking contest.**_

"HA!" Iba laughed, crashing his glass down on the table and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Whaddaya say now, Ikkaku, huh? I finally beat ya, fair an' square, might as well cough up the money ya promised!"

But the bald head collapsed on the table remained unresponsive, instantly ticking off the still-Seated Officer of the Eleventh.

"Oi, Ikkaku." Iba growled at the still unmoving head. "Pay up, baldy. You owe me."

The head still didn't move. The bar suddenly became deathly quiet.

"Ikkaku, pay up." Iba started to shake the man. _"Oi_."

Finally giving up, as the head still didn't move, Iba sighed out loudly and stood up from his chair. "Playin' dead now, are ya? Pretendin' to be 'sleep so you won't pay, aa? Well too bad Madarame Ikkaku, you owe me some money, so you're wakin' up _now_!"

And grabbing the man's shoulders, Iba hoisted him up and pulled back his other fist for a punch.

But once the other shinigami stood up, Iba's raised fist fell slightly and his eyes widened behind his shades.

"That's not Ikkaku-san," said Renji from a corner, who was still starting out at the Eleventh.

Iba gulped loudly as he stared up at the other bald shinigami who towered over him. He didn't recognize him at all, so he assumed that the man came from another squad. But it didn't take any detective work to figure out that this shinigami was mad.

"Who the hell are you?" the other shinigami growled fiercely, angry at being woken from his drunken slumber.

"Oi Iba! The hell is that guy?" Ikkaku yelled out as he came out of the bathroom. "And how could ya ditch our drinking contest like that?"

"I owe you, huh?" the big, bald, angry shinigami asked, cracking his knuckles. "How 'bout I owe you a few black eyes, aa?!"

"Ah, _shit_."

_**4. Become a better vice-captain for Komamura-taichou.**_

Weeks after Aizen, Ichimaru and Tousen turned traitor and left Soul Society, the Gotei 13 was still reeling from the shock and the damage. Properties were damaged and so many shinigami were severely injured, including not a few captains and vice-captains. It was a good thing most of the Fourth Division members survived the whole mess without a scratch, so good healers were everywhere, taking care of the wounded.

Tetsuzaemon Iba, vice-captain of the Seventh, considered himself immensely lucky to be alive and even luckier to leave the mess unscathed. But his captain wasn't as lucky as he was.

Komamura Saijin, captain of the Seventh, finally took off his helmet, revealing to everyone his real face. But despite the initial shock upon finding out that he was really a giant fox, everyone else in the Seventh, including Iba, got over their surprise and still pledged loyalty to their captain. But right now, the giant captain was on a hospital bed in the Fourth recuperating, as the wounds he received were more serious than they looked.

So Iba made his way to his captain's room, determined to try and make him feel better.

Eventually he stopped walking and finally paused in front of the room he knew his captain was in. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door and stepped inside.

His captain was awake, sitting up on his bed and staring out the window. Thinking his presence hadn't been felt yet, Iba cleared his throat. "Taichou."

Komamura turned his head slowly and Iba was not surprised by the unsurprised look on his face. His presence had been felt even before he entered the room.

"Tetsuzaemon."

The burly vice-captain remained rooted to his spot on the floor, unsure of what to do or say.

"You can sit down if you like." Komamura motioned to the chair beside his bed, then turned to look out the window again.

Iba accepted the offer and sat down. "Thanks sir."

A few more minutes of silence passed, until Komamura sighed and turned to face his vice-captain.

"Is there any particular reason you're here, Tetsuzaemon, or did you come here to merely stare at me?"

Iba jerked his head upward to face his captain. "No sir! You misunderstand, taichou… It ain't like that!"

"Then what are you doing here?"

"Well…" he started awkwardly, throwing his gaze back to the ground again. "Well… I just wanted to make you… feel better, sir. Although I didn't exactly have a plan for going about that."

Komamura sighed. "You rarely have a fixed plan for anything, Tetsuzaemon, but you always manage to pull through one way or the other." He paused. "But you're still my vice-captain and I'm pleased with what you've accomplished."

Iba hung his mouth in surprise at the sudden compliment, but remembering where he was, his mouth immediately shut.

"Now if you're planning to change divisions because of my appearance, I'm not blaming you nor am I going to stop you. I'd understand completely."

"But sir, I'm not here to ask for a transfer!" Iba shook his head fiercely. "It ain't like that at all, sir I swear! I still wanna be your vice-captain!" A pause. "Sir."

The great fox paused and almost smiled at his vice-captain. "I'm grateful."

His vice-captain grinned in response.

"Then you shall remain my vice-captain if that's what you wish."

"The men missed you, taichou and they can't wait to have you back on duty again. Just thought I'd drop by and tell you we're doin' all right."

"I expect you are," his captain replied. "You are my men after all and we can't afford to have you all slacking off just because I'm in the hospital."

"Yes sir."

"Tetsuzaemon."

"Sir."

"Do you think Tousen meant to do what he did?"

An awkward silence. "I'm not really sure about that, sir. I don't think I know the guy enough ta judge him."

"Hm."

"We'll get him back, sir."

"I'm fairly confident of that as well." Komamura nodded. "I only hope that once we get to him, it won't be too late."

"Same here, taichou."

Silence descended again and the two men were left in their own thoughts for a while, until Komamura cleared his throat and spoke from his bed.

"I believe Unohana-taichou said I only needed a few more days of rest before I resume my duties as your captain. Get back to the Division and tell the men I shall be returning shortly. Make sure you supervise their training in my absence, Iba. We can't afford to slack off now."

"Yes sir." And Iba couldn't help but smile widely as he stood up to leave.

"And Tetsuzaemon," Komamura called before Iba could exit the room.

"Sir?" he turned back.

"I'm counting on you. Get those men back into shape."

"You can trust me, sir!" Iba saluted and opened the door.

"I know that," his captain's voice reassured him and if it were not for the silence, Iba would not have heard it.

He turned to reply to his captain, but before he could say anything, Komamura had faced the window again, deep in his thoughts.

Iba grinned, shut the door quietly and hurried back to the Seventh Division. He had work to do.

_**5. Get stronger.**_

"Oi, Ikkaku."

"What?"

"I just found out somethin'." Iba said lazily beside the bald shinigami. "See I was thinkin' for some time an'-"

"Really?" Ikkaku smirked. "Did it hurt?"

"Ah shaddap." Iba retorted. "But lissen to this. I just came up a with a theory a coupla minutes ago."

"Yeah?" Ikkaku faced, a bit interested in what his friend had to say. "What is it?"

"The secret to getting stronger."

And suddenly, any little interest Ikkaku had in the conversation instantly died down. "Geez Iba-san, is that all?"

"See, I've been thinkin' about it…" he continued, as if Ikkaku had never spoken. "We four Eleventh Division lads have been together for a long time now: you, me, Ayasegawa and Abarai. But the years passed an' me an' Abarai became vice-captains an' you're Third seat an' Ayasegawa's Fifth."

Ikkaku yawned. "Stop telling me shit I already know and get on with it."

"I'm gettin' there man, relax." Iba replied. "See you an' Abarai already got bankais, while me an' Ayasegawa been left behind. I tried to find a connection to your bankais an' I finally got it. You two got somethin' me an' Ayasegawa don't got an' once I finally found what you boys had, the answer became plain easy."

"Well, spit it out already."

"The secret to gettin' stronger is a girl."

Iba mistook Ikkaku's blank expression as amazement at his theory and he puffed his chest proudly.

"I'm a genius, ain't I?"

Ikkaku regained his senses and almost laughed at his friend's stupidity. "Genius? You call that genius? The hell does a girl got to do with our bankais?"

Iba frowned. "I thought the answer was simple. Abarai has the Kuchiki girl he wants to protect an' you got your own too, so followin' the pattern, I figure I gotta get myself a girl to protect too. Maybe then, I'd find out my bankai."

"I got a girl?" Ikkaku asked, eyebrows raised. "The hell gave you that idea? Who's supposed to be my girl?"

"Ain't it obvious?" Iba answered. "Ayasegawa."

"_Yumichika?!"_

Now it was Iba's turn to raise his eyebrow. "Geez man, I thought it was obvious enough."

"_Yumichika?!"_

"Why so shocked, Ikkaku? Don't tell me ya didn't know…"

Ikkaku turned a dangerous shade of red. "An' you don't know your shit as well, Iba-san. No way Yumichika'd be my girl! Much less _a_ girl!"

"Wait. What?"

"You really are denser than I thought." Ikkaku shook his head. "You're wrong man! Admit it, your stupid theory's gone to shit."

Iba stood up and unsheathed his zanpaktou. "Take that back."

Ikkaku grinned and did the same. "Make me."

"Loser gets to buy the next round of sake."

"Like always."

_xxxxxxxxxx_

"Aaa-CHOO!"

Yumichika sniffed. "I just don't understand how I could have suddenly gotten sick like this."

"Tell me about it," Hisagi shrugged. "Think it's been spreading around?"

"What makes you say that?" Yumichika asked. "ACHOO!"

Hisagi offered him another piece of tissue. "I just ran into Abarai a few minutes ago. His sneezes were louder than yours though, let me tell you that."

"But of course," the other shinigami sniffed. "Even I know how to sneeze beautifully. I do have a reputation to uphold, you know."

"Whatever you say," the vice-captain muttered. "A cold's still a cold no matter what."

"ACHOO!"

Hisagi winced at the sudden noise. "Tell you what, Ayasegawa. Let's get you to the Fourth Division and get you checked up on. Maybe we can run into Abarai in there and find out where this started."

"ACHOO!"

"I'm taking that as a yes," he stood and brushed the dust off his pants. "Let's go, shall we?"

Yumichika picked himself up off the ground and before he could thank Hisagi…

"ACHOO!"

_**xxxxxxxxxx**_

**A/N: **Seeing as I already did Matsumoto's version last January 2009, I thought of making one for Iba here. Why Iba? I dunno, he just seemed fun to do. Oh well. Here's to a great 2010. Happy new year, all.


End file.
